TINY!

-i wanna be the ethereal creature that wanders into a room and captures all the attention.
-i wanna glide down the sidewalks of New York, Paris, Tokyo, and have people do double takes.
-i wanna strut like i own this FUCKING PLANET!

-also, i wanna model, ok i know how cheesy it is but i WANT to expose myself to a camera and have it photograph my insides and find beauty, not fat. (and naughty, naughty for all you who read that and thought i meant porn star photos *eye waggle* hehe)

how in the hell can i accomplish these things if i'm fat and fucking lazy. today i'm going to the gym, no question, and i'm going to work on the eliptical machine and run my ass off.

today i'm liquid fasting, just to help me get on trach and nex week will be 400 cal instead of 600. i need this ladies and i'll be damned if i let it slip away.

ok,on a different note, i think my mom forgot about the therapy she was gonna get me, which is kinda sad and angering and makes me happy as well (bipolar, anyone??). on the happy side- i won't have to get outta my comfort zone, but also it means that my unhappiness wasn't noteworthy enough for her to take serious notice.

this always hapens though, she gives me a solution, and then never follows through, it's like i really don't matter to her. she can say beautiful things when i'm crumbling in front of her but when i build the wall up that makes me look semi-normal and keeps all my crazy, brokenness in, she just goes back to thining that i'm perfectly fine and could never even think of me holding myself because the pain inside hurts more than anything ever will on the outside.

(also, i physically can't cut or self-harm, it's similar to the line in Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar where she says that she can't hurt the innocent skin of her wrist, it's not it's fault that she's bad on the inside, thats a lot like my feeling's toward SI.
the only thing i can do is to , ok brace yourselves this is nasty, i peel skin off my feet. like to the point where it bleeds, and i have to walk normally down the halls of school with the pain. that's my SI, also when i'm really angry or just feeling frustrated and wanting to just make everyone go away, i think, in detail, of cutting my fingers, then my hands then my entire arms off. ok, now i sound like a psyco killer. i'm notit's just how i deal, i can't even stand to kill a spider how would i harm an entire school of pretencious pricks and their group of whores.)

ok, i've never told the last bit to anyone, so keep it in good company, i haven't told my friends about the skin peeling thing either, so don't hurt me girls.
love, your completely fucked up chick,
Elle