here we go, the reason i haven't been on in a while is that i'm freaking ashamed. i couldn't start my fast monday and when i did the next day it only lasted 42 hours. i need to lose a significant amount of weight before january 28th and i dunno if i can. i'm at 263.2. i'm nasty and yucky. i'm not going over 500 cal a day. and they'll be mostly soups. i have to hit the gym at least 3 times a week for 1 hour increments. no eating if no one is around. and if someone is only small portions. i can still get into the dress but it's really tight and i can't zip it at all. i'm shooting for losing 45 lbs by january.

also my dad's compy craped out on him and now he is using the upstairs compy alot, like all the time. and my mom's been home like 3 days out of the week so no privacy. on the 1st day i made a peanut butter and honey sandwhich and then went to my room and threw it out in my trash can. well next day was trash day and she went into my room and found it. she didn't even ask me why i hadn't eaten it. well now she's watching me closely so...i'm trying REALLY hard.

i also told her i think i'm bi, or at least questioning. she took it well but she said that she thinks i'm still too young to decide these things, i kind of agree but at some point you just kind of have a feeling like you're not like the others. and you know my friend L (who was a lesbian) well her and J broke up or at least parted (i'n not surprised b/c J lives about an hour away and neither have a car) and now L likes a BOY!! it's really weird and just pretty much unusual. he likes her back but hasn't asked her out yet. i'm happy for her but i feel so fucking undesireable b/c now ALL of my friends have been on a date or at least been kissed and me, the fat one, is all alone. H has been on a date but has never been kissed and hasn't had a boyfriend. L and J dated and may have kissed. S has had a boyfriend for 2 years now and has been kissed. i might as well start crocheting a sweater and getting cats. :(

sorry this post ended up saying what i've been thinking and feeling for the past week, also did i mention i'm on my period. yeah, not a good week.
love and determination,
Elle

this is Mary Elizabeth Winstead, she played ramona in Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. ramona is totally thinspo, though shes a little bit for my taste.